I got to see some photos of my cousin today. We haven't spoken in over a year. She lives in Israel with ehr four children and wonderful husband. They we close to the bombs last week. Seeing the photos and they way the girls are a spiting image of her as well as some of the looks they gave the camera. How cool to see. They are giving the same lloks she gave the camera as a child. I wonder what she thinks when she sees that. Cause she was adopted too. Her birth mother never had other children. Now she has four and they are all beautiful. I miss her.

And that's the way it will always be. When I was first married to my ex husband I so badly wanted a baby. Growing up I never saw myself living past 18, nor did my family. Once I saw a life past 18 I decided I would have babies, maybe one or three. So, in Texas with my ex and as a military wife, having a baby was the right thing to do. But we couldn't, or rather I was told, I couldn't. We treid and treid and went for fertility treatment including two surgeries. Many of you understand all that, it's painful both physically and emotionally. But no matter what we did, no baby. Not even a pregnancy. Fast forward. By the time I met my forever husband I was ok with the fact that I would never be able to bear children. As was he. WE'd later get married with this knowledge, but his parents don't know. Mine do, that another story! Well, we left to get married, in Ohio, and I was dizzy and we all figured it was nerves. When we got home my period started, I'll be it several months late. But of coarse I was let because of nerves. My period wouldn't stop. WEnt to the obgyn. I was losing a baby? How could that be? I won't go into all the emotion there. Not today However, after a ton of considoration my husband and I decided we would shose not to have a family, outside of our pets. Is that so wrong? I would hate to regret having children, I know people who do. So, that is why I do things like beg for votes for my dogs. To you they are dogs, to me they are the children I chose not to have.

April 30, 2006 I updated my information on a registry site and a search angel was able to get in contact with my birthgrandparents. They want contact with me and we spoke on the phone for over an hour the other day. They told me that my b-mom was upset when they told her I was looking for her. She has not told her daughter about me, but thats OK. I am extremly happy with what I have now and I would not change anything.

I just don't understand it. E never did anything to anyone, but he is miserable. Almost every minute he has spent on this earth seems to have been miserable for him. I feel so bad. I wish I could take some of his suffering away. It's just awful to watch him wimper and cry all the time. You get so frustrated with doctors because you want them to cure him, or at least take away some of his misery, but the truth is they can't do any more than we can. They don't know whats wrong, they have no cure. They don't even know how to treat the symptoms anymore. What can we do but love him and try to comfort him when we can. Everything else seems unimportant when you hear those screams. I just don't know what to do anymore. I don't want to work, I don't want to goto school. I feel miserable for him. I know that won't help the situation any so I goto work and I goto school, but it feels like going through the motions of the day with no emotion involved. Well I'll send up a silent prayer that things will be better for him soon. I hope all is well.

for everyone out there who were given up for adoption or taken, whatever the case may be, dont ever give up trying to find your birthfamily. now i can understand certain situations that would cause a parent or parents to have no choice but to give their child up for adoption, but i honestly with all of my heart believe that an adoptee does have every right to have adoption records opened, but only at the right age and maturity also. you also have to be careful if you find out certain things, for the simple fact that not everything is worth knowing...i have alot of things to say but it is hard because i was not treated right growing up..

my name is shannon,i would like to introduce myself,i am 31 and dh is 30 we have a daughter olivia who is gonna be 11 in nov,we also have(had)another daughter her name is corissa grace she will be 1 on jan 29 and a little boy hudson wyattwho is only 2 weeks old..my husband and i have been together for 14 years,and have tried so hard to have children of our own,after many failed iui's we gave up on june 11 05 we found out of a family member who in fact was pregnant(keep in mind they called us)at first we said no,after all this is family...as time went on they kept calling,we started to get everything in order...birth mom moved in with us 11/05 corissa was born birth mom left then bamn she comes and takes her from us when i was at work one day....how devastating this was,my life was flipped upside down and our atty never filed a paper,not so much as guardianship papers either...but it gets better,another birth mom approached us mid oct,on nov 28 we found out we were getting a little boy,but unfourtnately we only got to keep him for 6 days...i really need some supprt...

ADOPTED HELL NOW THAT I KNOW IM AN ADOPTEE THIS EXPLAINS THE HORRIBLE MEMORYS THEY SAY MEMORYS START TO FORM @ THREE THATS PRETTY MUCH WHERE IT STARTS FOR ME BEING PUNISHED AN SCORNED BEYOND REASON THIS WOULD BE THE NORM SEASON AFTER SEASON I WAS ADOPTED FOR LOVE TO FILL A NEED THAT ALL ENDED WHEN SHE BORE HER OWN SEED I BECAME USELESS A PIECE OF TRASH SOMETHING TO USE TO WHIP AN THRASH NEVER DID I KNOW MOTHERLY LOVE PROMISED TO A CHILD BY THE LORD ABOVE IT'S A BIG SECRET WE MUST NEVER TELL SO IN THE MEAN TIME I'LL LIVE IN HELL TREATED DIFFERENT FROM THE REST IT DID NO GOOD TO DO MY BEST I WAS A MISTAKE THEY COULD NOT ERASE THEY DIDN'T HAVE THE GUTS TO TELL ME TO MY FACE SO THE LIE GOES ON FOR YEARS AN YEARS A LIFE FULL OF HATRED PAIN AN TEARS I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG I DIDN'T FIT IN I COULD DO NO RIGHT JUST WRONG AND SIN BEATINGS WERE FREQUENT HUGS WERE FEW I DON'T REMEMBER MY MOM SAYING I LOVE YOU NOW AT 45 MY SUSPISIONS ALL TRUE I WAS NOT ONE OF THEM IT WAS ALL A HORRIBLE RUSE ALL IS NOT LOST TO THE HATRED PAIN AN SHAME I MADE MY WAY THROUGH THIS UGLY WAR I MADE IT MOSTLY BY THE GRACE OF THE LORD ABOVE HE BROUGHT ME THROUGH IT TO FIND TRUE LOVE DIDN'T KNOW LOVE THEN BUT I KNOW IT NOW I CAME IN THE FORM OF A WOMAN THE WOMANS NAME IS DIANA SHE IS MY WIFE MY FRIEND MY LOVER SHE LOVES ME NO MATTER MY SINS AN SORROWS HER LOVE I NEVER HAVE TO BEG OR BORROW AND I WILL LOVE HER LIKE THERE IS NO TOMORROW!

This journal is supposed to be about foster/adopt however we have been in the process of a step-parent adoption that took FOREVER. Just got the call and it will be finalized March 19th!!!!!!!!!!! YAAAHOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My mom just happens to be here during that time, I tell you things like this don't happen by chance. This was a totally spur of the moment trip for my mom-and she will be here for a much anticipated adoption. Eli is adjusting quickly to our home. I love this little guy. We spend all day playing, snuggling and being together. I taught him how to play catch with his bitty ball-now he throws EVERYTHING and thinks its so darn funny. Those dimples, they kill me every time. Attachment parenting is going well, he enjoys his Mei Tai time. For the past two days poor little guy has been having a mild temp and just not feeling well, today he was down right sick, took him to the Dr. and he has a "virus" so nothing we can do. It's just sad. Your forgot what it was like when your baby is sick, such a helpless feeling. So for the past 2 days he hasn't wanted his bottle much. When he takes his bottle he maintains beautiful eye contact and after bottle he plays with my face, we sing, play games making silly noises all with eye contact in cradle position for a good 30-60 min-whenever he gets tired and wants to get down we then move on to play or he falls asleep in my arms (and this is heaven for me to just love and snuggle). My house is not getting much attention. I think the bottle/cradle hold time is the best bonding tool we have right now. Over the weekend instead of trying to go to EVERYONE-cause he's that kind of baby who will "mommy shop." He would reach for a person out of habit and then he would put his head on my shoulder like he knew he was with me. So huge!!! Well since not having our eye contact and play time-cause he's sick and won't take bottle well I noticed the bond is not as deep. He tried to go to a nurse (total stranger) and a friend (total stranger.) I know most people would think I'm being paranoid but this is a lot of going with your gut. He has attachment issues. BUT I know we can heal his heart. So today I spent a lot of time snuggling and holding him while he slept-my poor sick baby. It paid off and I feel that bond starting to tighten again. Its solidified that our attachment is my #1 priority right now. I'm just thrilled to see that this attachment stuff is working and not only does it help Eli it helps me as well to love and bond with him. I get my "baby fix" by feeding him a bottle and rocking/singing to him. The love I feel for this kiddo is amazing-this is my little boy. His mom hasn't made any contact-I know this is not something you should hope for. I did get sad thinking of her missing him on his first birthday. I also thought of her when I went through his things and found a bag that foster mom told me was from her. I found his hospital ID tag, I found little clothes with tags on them. I found a beautiful quilted blanket. She loves her baby. Sometimes love is letting go and in my heart I think this is what she is doing. Given what I know about her situation and addiction issues she may have given him the greatest gift she can give him. I have a secret wish in my heart that she will contact and that we can build a relationship that will allow her to consent to the adoption. The SW feels she would very much consider consent and plans on asking for it should she contact them. Wish I had more time to write.

First a shout out to my cyber friends.... Forever Family... YIPPEE amazing :-) M...rocks....how wonderful, she is such an amazing kiddo I love hearing about her tremendous growth and well...hello? she's awesome at EVERYTHING. C is just a beauty and amazing and gonna have some big shoes to fill (effortlessly...I'm sure) ....and Eli...call me let's talk, we need a male member of the band FOR SURE...I just...I love hearing about your family....it just gives me more proof....proof in the amazing amazing of it all...thank you. PAULA.....get that nurses degree girl YOU'RE AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! I love ya! And your kids (and hot hubby :-) will be so proud of all you are doing! Tudu...I wanna hear you're the parent of a biracial newborn...:-) boy! (but selfishly as said before....girl. :-) I need to swap hair ideas...and well after Eli and Ari...start their band???? ...you know we may need another singer :-) Not that any other of your beautiful kiddos...couldn't join. :-) Pechocha...congrats on THE FINALIZATION!!!!!!!!!! Sophia is an angel. Ahimsa....so nice to hear from you :-) How are your beauties....I miss hearing from you....miss the stories :-( Ok...while my producer woes are not resolved and neither are the lawyer issues....I feel much better. Maybe because in three days I will be basking on the beaches of Hawaii...maybe because I have begun a new and AMAZING project....and maybe because I can fianlly see the furture unfold. For the amazing project....I will be starting a blog soon about my writing, but it is about a Czech freedom fighter that was a mother and a wife who fought against oppression and was executed. When I go to the Czech Republic...I will be speaking with her daughter who, when she was 16, was taken to a prison cell and kissed her mother goodbye and that day her mother was hanged in a public square. This was only thirty years ago and this woman, her daughter, has never recovered. It does speak to the issues we face in adoption....it speaks to the tremendous loss of a parent and I can't wait to speak to her next month and tell her mother's story. I feel honored to be chosen to do so. My films are also moving along....and I am so grateful I am a writer :-) All looks good YEAH! Sadly my own little daughter will have to be left home as we are not able to finalize her adoption before my trip. It will be heartbreaking and gut wrenching to be away from her, truthfully I don't know how I will do it, but the woman I am writing about, and for, left her daughter and was never able to return to her....I will consider myself fortunate for being able to hold my angel in my arms seven days after leaving, and grateful for the understanding of the pain of separation that was permenant for Milada and...for every birth mother who relenqusihed their child...and every adoptive parent who was not able to parent their foster or adoptive child. Parenting does have it's sorrow. For my sister's wedding in Hawaii...we will have The Big Easter Egg hunt. Of the friends and family who have become parents....we will be having a huge Easter Egg Hunt at my sister's "day after wedding, brunch" When I looked at the kids...I just teared up with joy at how proud I am of our friends. Here are the kids and parents in the Easter Egg Hunt, the day after my sister's wedding. My cousin Kris and her husband Hunter and their girls...Skylar and Devon. Devon was born on the livingroom floor of their home after two contractions, weighing 9.5 pounds, born to a 5 foot 100 lbs woman who was later diagnosed with breast cancer and is (thank God) now cancer free....RIGHT ON KRISSY! Skylar is 6 and Devon is 3.5 Kellie and Mike Rosen....after two miscarriages (one in the sixth month of pregnancy) gave birth to Rachel Rosen in October of 2006. Randy and Elliot Flies after coming out to their families ten years ago, adopted a son Isaac from Vietnam, he is now 8...they later married (in a spiritual ceramony still not recognized by the state of Minnesota) and bought a house, claiming they were living thier lives in reverse, Baby, Marriage, House, adopted Jason from Cambodia who is now six. Carolyn and Chris Mukai....have three sons, the last....little Collin was born in October 2006, but the first Justin, had seizure disorder and was put on Phenol Barbital which caused speech delays and physical delays and is still in special education. And finally....... me mother to Aria Hope, who is 14 months old, biracial drug exposed, DIVA, singer extrodinaire, falsly (or not) diganosed with CP and Epilepsy.....come on Aloha Easter Bunny we are READY for you! And on a final note....my mother, who we all know I have had a challenge living with.....was found on the freeway going to Orange County (to a dr.'s appointment) on an onramp (facing the wrong direction) down the embankment, with her car TOTALLED. (Brand new Toyota Highlander SUV Hibryd) not knowing where she was and how she got there. THANK GOD SHE IS ALIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But it brought home for me the fact that she really, really needs help and that's why Ari and I are here....as hard as it has been, I finally get that. And I love her I really do....and so does my little angel. Ok...final note on little angel....she now rules the world and has both me and my mom wrapped around her finger...I am trying to pull in the reins a bit so as not to spoil the babe....but boy is it hard. And lastly...I boast that LA is so diverse...but really we are not. I wanted to find a little Madame Alexander doll for Ari for Easter...each of my cousins and my sister (all of which will be at the wedding in Hawaii) got their first Huggums at their first Easter....(well this is Ari's second...but ok...she was a little cute blob on her first) And I wanted to follow tradition for my own child. I went from Beverly Hills to The deep dark Valley and NEVER found a brown skinned Madame Alexander Baby doll...finally I started calling...I got answers like. "we don't carry brown skinned dolls"....like I was asking for a leper doll. To "we used to carry them, but we don't anymore.", "nope, all white" "No, we don't have brown skinned dolls." To the place I finally went to get her doll (by the way she has four gorgeous dolls, all beautiful, all brown skinned (two are from Pottery Barn kids) the other two were very expensive, but worth every dollar) They said "we do have brown skinned dolls, but they're BLACK!" "Are they Madame Alexander?" I asked? "Yes, but they're BLACK!" "Great, I'm coming right over." Clerk adds...."you sure you want a BLACK doll?" and I add..."YESSSS!" Boy oh boy...if I weren't a successful filmaker I would open a toy store of JUST ethnic dolls....damn I finally got a taste of everyday average racism....and it is in the simple fact that no doll/toy story in Los Angeles carries brown skinned dolls that don't look like a charred version of the Bride of Chucky!!!!!!!!!! Grrrrr.

I was going through Musemoon/Aria withdrawl-missed hearing about Aria and you. I just plain missed you. I've been very busy-too busy to write/life full in a good way. I'm so ready to see Aria pictures. Okay as for us, had our monthly SW homevisit today and things are rapidly progressing. She is convinced his mom has "given up" and that we will not hear from her again as this is a pattern in her life. I am holding out a little hope that we can have a semi-open adoption. I'm told by the SW this is one of the very few clients she has who she feels it would work beautifully, however, she thinks she won't be hearing from her again. As for Eli is is the light of our lives right now. I thought I loved him when I first met him and I'm realizing that I didn't have a clue how much that love would grow. This is different then giving birth, so hard for me to explain. Its such a leap of faith and honestly I was scarred to make the wrong decision. I'm grateful that I was lead to Eli, that I trusted in God and in myself, in my dh, in my mom and all of those who saw the light in my son's eyes and told me what a special little guy he is. He is pure happiness. He is changing everyday. His SW said she has never seen him better and more adjusted. He really is amazing in every way. He is saying "mama" all of the time and "dad" and trying to say "sis" for his sister's but it sounds more like "SSSSSSSSSS" with a lot of drool. I don't have time to write everything. But for those of you considering foster adopt it is a hard but amazing journey.

Its Friday and I've been house sitting. I've had 3 emails from my son and we're both communicating well. I still haven't given him my phone number as I'm still on the edge of having a breakdown and I'm not available emotionally like that, but I feel I need this constant contact that he's giving me, to build up my confidence again. He says he's going to send me photos of his parents and his brother and if he does do that, that would be nice, but he's not very good at following through. A tv programme about alcohol and the damage its doing to people as young as 22 has profoundly affected him and I think its hit home. If it has and it helps give him a focus, that would be so good. I'm off to my counselling session now and she has been so encouraging and says that the reunion in her experience IS a good one. Feeling much more encouraged but my mind is still numb and I need time to recover. Will make another entry when I have more time, have to get the train now

Hi my name is Jill. My husband and I started our adoption process 16 months ago. We have been in and out of PGN now for 6 months(Guatemala). Our daughter will be 1 year old on July 8, 2007. We have been trying to understand God's plan and why our daughter still is not home. First when we signed the contract we were told our baby will be home between 4-6 months old. Then we were told babies are coming home between 8-9 months old. Now we are told, they are not sure when she will be home. Each time we have been crushed! Still trying to hold it together! We are very happy for everyone who gets to bring their babies home as infants but, it is so sad to us because we don't understand why we still are waiting. Is there anyone out there who has been through similar adoption process? Adoption complete or still waiting?

I had an agonising morning where I went out and came back fully expecting the photos to have arrived and at 11.30am they hadn't, which was sickening. So I went out again, came back and still nothing. The postman was exceptionally late and turned up at 1pm ... with the package I'd been expecting...... wahoooo - opening the package with heart lurching... oh for goodness sake! There were 19 photos altogether and it was a strange feeling looking at them I can tell you. It was like meeting his family in person, but not quite and yet at last, here I could at last put a face to the names and look for clues as to what I couldn't find through an email or phone conversation with my son. The thing that struck me is that my son is now happy to show me the happier side of the adoption. Now that I've acknowledged his pain and taken the full force of his unhappiness and his anger about everything, he now tells me that he needed to know that I understood his pain and what he'd been through, followed by telling me that he's had a great life. Which yeh, I knew, but its amazing the foresight one can get from the books I mention time and time again on the forums. Its the separation anxiety manifesting itself that has to be acknowledged before he can move on. To go into more detail would take more time than I have at the minute and burn my fingers with the typing involved!!! With the knowledge I've gleaned from Nancy Verrier The Primal Wound and a snippet someone sent me of her follow on book Coming Home To Self (must get that book, where can I find 20?) and The Adoption Reunion Guide by Julie Jarrell Bailey/Lynn Giddens I know where he's been coming from and I know where he's at, where we both are at, and its a happy place to be. (Thank goodness). I can see its been important to weather through the awful but awful emotions that have surfaced for him and myself whilst we journey towards a healing but also to allow him to criticise his aparents, say yeh, tough, but at the same time acknowledge that I know they love him - very much so. That is quite a tap dance to achieve and I'm proud of that. I'm proud of him too. Why, there you go, proud all round! Its almost like the yacht in the storm with the hatch down and all the head bashing and rolling this way and that - it's coming to some kind of calm and the sun rays are filtering through.... its made it all worthwhile.... Also Got 3 emails from him with a link that took you to a mwahhhh KISS so that's a big step for him, as he found it hard to accept my kisses and hugs, even over the phone. Even though he knows its in him (as he's m'lad) and he's been raised without them, he wants them but has found it so hard to get used to. So, another step forward. Small things in themselves to outsiders, but huge in reunion steps. Back to the photos - wow there is a few of him and he looks so handsome and so aristocratic - dicky bow and black suit and white shirt, there's the one I've always hoped for - him with his mom and dad and they are all laughing together (he says he's just pinched his dads btm) - that was a long time coming. Both he and his brother look extremely handsome lads and there's an elegance about his amom that is very becoming. His dad looks kind. They both look like wonderful people and I'm glad I've held out to see this, as he painted such a picture of them for the last year as to make me believe they were all sorts of things. Now the true picture is emerging, but as already said, he needed to express his pain and get it out. I now reflect that we are much more ahead than I had come to realise and that better things are starting to arrive now. The photos have brought a warmth to my heart, and I feel as if I'm bonding with his family through those photos. These are his parents and they seem very nice, very stable and there's more photos of him smiling, whereas the ones I had last year were predominantly of him looking unhappy. Yes, this is a happy moment and I'm hoping we can share ourselves amongst this lad whom I gave birth to 29 years ago and be a happy triad. Here's to better things. I'm pretty sure things can only get better now.

Okay laugh at me if you want to especially if you read my last words in the last post. I think there is purpose behind just about everything and I think the puppy care was preperation so that I would know I could do it and so that we would say 'yes'. I have no idea where this little angel's case is headed. I have absolutely no information-very frustrating. She could leave tomorrow, or stay forever-no clue. I don't even know why she was removed. I only know two other siblings are in care, not adopted, and that the foster home could not take a baby but that the siblings are very attached to this foster home. I don't have time to write much just that we are in love. She has Eli's skin tone, but other then that their features are very different, though everyone thinks they do (whatever...kind of annoying.) I was told we were getting a 6 week old baby boy felt 100% at peace with saying "yes" immediatly even though in the back of my mind I have felt for a long time the next baby will be a girl not a boy. I called dh immediatly he was gung ho, gave myself an hour to think about it, felt absolutely good about saying "yes" talked with Eli's worker and made sure it was not going to jeapordize anything with his adoption. I then called and said 'yes!' That evening I came home---such a long story!---to a perfect 6 week old baby who was dressed in pink. I told BIL (very long story as to why he was there) "wait a minute this is supposed to be a boy" he said "I haven't checked out the packaging but I'm pretty sure this is a girl." My BIL was soooo sweet. He took care of her for me until I could get home. In my heart I feel something significant. I go with my feelings here and wow am I in love. I'm crying just typing this. Anyway she is an angel baby. She fusses only when she is hungry. she is already cooing and smiling. she has almond eyes, cute chubby cheeks, and a head full of soft curls-her t-shirt she was wearing when she came said "I love my hair!" Eli LLLLLOOOOVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS her!!! Well so far anyway. He is very sweet with her. He is a loving little guy. busy but loving and always has been. He gave her a kiss and he doesn't give those out often. He says "awwwwwwww b..b..b...". Translation "oh how I love you baby girl" constantly. I sort of let him hold her while I was holding her and he did not want to give her up. He sat for a good 10 minutes which is equivelant to an hour for him :) DD's think she is the little princess. The coolest thing is that we adopted a kitten from the humane society on the same day. I adore animals, all animals, I always have. Ask my parents how many strays I brought home they have several stories. Then there are animals that are special to me, this kitten, which was sort of going to be the "puppy" the girls wanted was not intended but we all knew immediatly she was for our family. Thinking about raising a puppy, its just not a good time for us, so we compromised with a litter trained kitty. THe girls have been playing with her and set up their room as a kitty palace. They spent all their savings (exactly $15 and change) on kitty toys, a tunnel, made a her 4 beds in various places... Dh went to meet her after we had lunch together as a family and he's friends with the vet who cares for the animals at the humand society so they let him take him immediatly. They are currently over capacity with cats, totally meant to be that we found this sweet kitty. She is a character. I'm more of a dog person but I LOVE my kitties too. So we got home from that and I received the call about the baby "boy." What a week. Wow have to run. L I had a bad winter taking care of two babies...and questioned if I could do it again.

How do I define adoption reunion? When I was little I believed that if I reunited with my mother she would have to replace my mom. This is the first time Ive actually acknowledged this feeling, even to myself, but it was there just way down deep inside and sitting quietly, waiting. So I waited until I turned eighteen and flew off to college. While at college I thought that I was mature enough to begin my search. I wanted to know who she was and where she came from. What was her story? What were the circumstances surrounding her relinquishment of me? Who was my father? Did I look like them? Could this be because I was majoring in journalism at the time and investigative reporting intrigued me? Or could it have been the womanҒs studies class which made me proud to be a strong, independent woman who had the right to know her heritage? I dont know, but one day in speech class, no less, I decided I would give a speech on what it was like to be adopted. I went home and told my mom that I was giving a speech on adoption and did she have any information she could give me that would help in my research. She pulled out some of the papers she had kept and shared them with me. Mostly it was non identifying information about my birth parents along with the doctorҒs name, the social workers name, and a booklet on adoption with a poem on the back. That was it? There had to be more, after all this was a legal matter. Typically in legal matters theres a ton of paperwork. I had my work cut out for me. Writing the speech was difficult due to the lack of information so I read books, lots and lots of books. I found the more I read the more I wanted to keep reading. I wanted to know everything I could in regards to adoption, search, and reunion. Some of the titles I read were Birthright, Primal Wound, and Letters to My Birthmother, to name a few. While reading I would feel angry, sad, hopeful, hopeless, ҅It was a roller coaster of a ride. Did I want to open this can of wormsӔ as I called it only to run the gamut of emotions? I decided that if I found her I would go and spyӔ on her and the rest of her family to see what they were like, but I didnt need to know them. That would be my ғreunion. After all I had a family and I didnԒt want to betray them. Betrayal. Loyalty. Two words that haunted me throughout my life. In a nutshell I felt that by finding my birthmother I would betray my family. They had done so much for me. I wouldnt be the woman I am today if it werenҒt for them. How could I be loyal to them if I started searching for my birthmother? Wouldnt they think I was trying to replace them? WouldnҒt they feel unworthy? Why would she do this to us? My familys feelings were right up front. And in all the books I was reading it should have been my feelings, mine, that came first. Selfish? At the time I thought so. The speech written, I stood before my classmates and spoke about the adoption process from an adopteeҒs perspective, giving them vital information on the actual process and what my adoptive family went through, what I went through, and what I thought my birthmother went through. There wasnt a dry eye in the place. I left them with a final thought: ғNature versus nurture, Which am I the product of, The one who gave me life, Or the one who gives me love. These were the last lines of the poem that was written on the back of the booklet that my mom received from the social worker. At the time I thought it was beautiful. Reading those words now gives me a stomach ache. IԒm the product of both. Its that simple. I have two mothers, both of them equal in my eyes; not one ғversus the other. A mother gave me life and she loved me enough to do what she thought was best for both herself and me considering her circumstances. A mother gave me life by showing me a world filled with opportunities and she loved me enough to give me wings that I could fly, going off on my own to become a strong, independent woman. ThereԒs no competition; its not a football game. In getting back to my original question, how do I define adoption reunion? Adoption reunion is bringing together all the pieces of the puzzle so that we may celebrate our lives. Mood: Thoughtful

A very good friend of mine gave me some advice...really without knowing she was giving me advice. But it was exactly what I needed at that particular minute in time. She told me about "stepping back and finding the love of self to fulfill ones self". And in that one minute I got it. It was like a revelation. I am looking so hard into my relationship with J lookig for some type of "fulfillment". And when I was not getting what I thought I needed, it caused this depression for lack of a better word, this funk, that maybe she backed way off because finding me was enough for her. And I wanted more. But now, I am no longer going to look at my reunion, or lack there of, in that same light. I am stepping into 2008 looking at this as my self love and self fulfillment. Having J want me in her life would have been phenomenally great. Having my buncle and his family in my life, fabulous too. But my lightbulb above my head has gone off. And that is when I figured out that I am no less happy than I was before they arrived in my life. I am no less me for them choosing not to be a part of it. I am enriched with the knowledge that I have been given about my past. I am not angry anymore. I am not going to spend anymore time on what if or what might be. Life is too short. I am content. And for my friend who gave me this gift, I am eternally grateful.

April 16, 2008 Dear M, I know! I know! I should NOT be sending this letter to you as you have not yet contacted meօ believe me I have debated with myself for over a year now! But as you will see (I hope!) I really needed to write this to you. And I am so sorry to hear that you have no interest in having contact with me at this time Ŗ or maybe never that wasnŒt the reply I was hoping for, but I will respect your decision and try to understand where you are coming from! But I will always be here when the time right for you, as long as Im alive. I wonҒt keep you apprised if I have any address changes (not that I have any changes planned!), as you can always reach me at l@xxx.com email address, should you decide to pursue a relationship at a later date. As I said, I needed to write this letter to you after almost 15 months of not hearing from you so please bear with me! I apologize for not heeding your request and invading your privacy again, but I need to let you know all that I֒m about to write. I realize now that my first letter must have caused so many feelings facing you for the first time as an adult, maybe you have never thought of the possibility of me finding you, have never dealt with these feelings long buried feelings and wanting to protect yourself by distancing me as much as possibleŅ perhaps everything from fears to unacknowledged anger, or just not ready nor interested!! I was putting so much good energy into my letter to try for a positive reunion with you, M - that I didnt even THINK of how you would respond. I apologize for my earlier letter and ask if we can try again. ItҒs a journey and it takes time. Give yourself time Your happiness is THE most important thing in the world to me and I donŒt want to jeopardize that! In this letter Im going to try and convey to you why I searched for you, since you questioned that in your letter - and what a hard reality it was at the time of your adoption. I have so many feelings and emotions that itҒs really hard to put them into words. As I was writing this letter to you, so many blocked off memories came flooding back to me. Im not very eloquent in my writing, so please bear with me through this letter, as this is totally from my heart and soul. You probably have no memory of me or any point of reference. It is different for you than for me. It is obviously a very loaded situation for every adoptee҅ especially, if they feel they cannot reciprocate the same intensity of emotion that they feel their birth parent has for them. And you have moved on in your life, with your own identity and circle of family and friends. You have no emotions tied up to me as I do with you, as I will try and explain my feelings in this letter to you. I realize that now, M, that I HAVE complicated your life. This has probably shaken your world and I just dont want to do anything that will scare you off҅ and I didnt want you to think that I didnҒt care You had it all arranged, and your emotions all in order. You knew who you were and were comfortable with that. Now you have to deal with emotions you have never felt and thought you never had, and having a possible relationship with someone you donŒt consciously remember! I realize you are perhaps afraid, and fear makes us defensive. And I understand why you might be angry. I DO see it from your point of view, but I didnt realize you would think I was breaking some kind of ғagreement that I really never signed! So first I need to correct a couple myths about your adoption. When I relinquished, there was no such thing as ԓsearching and ԓreunion. Adoptions were closed, period. I imagine that your mom and you have assumed that because the adoption was closed, I could not or would not search. I imagine that you believed that a closed adoption is or should be closed forever and that by agreeing to a closed adoption (as if there were any other option at the time), I agreed, as your Mom put it in her October 2006 letter, to have It sounds like I have a different interpretation of it than you and your Mom. I wasnt made aware of being a party to any agreement to never search for you or try to have a relationship with you when you were an adult. I agreed to not parent you, and I didnҒt nor am I looking to be a parent to you now. I still have that original copy of the adoption papers that I signed on June 2, 1969. I can even give you this piece of paper if you like. So Im not really sure ғwhat your parents were told at that time, but IԒm sorry to tell them that I never signed such a piece of paper of no searchӔ. Im truly sorry that you felt angry and upset that I broke this so called ғagreement. While I have moved on in my life, had a career, etc Ԗ I kept you in my mind, but did not dwell on your life and our circumstances, but I have never forgotten you. In fact when you were 5, I asked the Agency if I could somehow get a picture of you but your mother refused, I guess thinking it was better for me. And then in 1991, when you were 22, I again contacted the Agency to ֑see if you were searching, but alas you werenҒt and then the internet was born! And in 2004 before you turned 35 years old I tried again! I contacted the Dept. of Children֒s Services in Los Angeles and received your non-identifying information; also, this is where I received the letter that your mother wrote to me before your first birthday. And I told my family that I was starting a search for you, and they were/are all supportive! Now I felt like a caged bird set free free to speak of my secret. Just to know Ŗ some scrap of information would be a gold mine after all these years. I searched on my own for about 2 years, and then found a search-angel and suddenly, I had all that, and seemingly as quickly as it came in, it all went out again. I waited nearly 35 years just to know your օ I didnt know a single, solitary thing about you Җ and then, all of a sudden in a matter of hours on May 16, 2006, I knew more about you than I ever dreamed possible! I knew your I knew you were Ņ The other myth is from your letter of January 28, 2007: mother.Ӕ M Going through an adoption was probably the hardest thing I have ever encountered in all of my life, but I thank God that I am able to look back on all of it and smile, and forgive myself that the past could have been different. Of course, there will always be that little ache in my heart, but it subsides in knowing that you are enjoying a much better life than I could have ever offered you at that time in my life. When I was in high school, it seemed like every other week there was a new rumor going around about someone else being pregnant. I was always under the false sense of security that only happened to other people. Never in a million years would something like that happen to me!! I managed to graduate from high school sans child, and I even made it through a couple of years of college. But then suddenly one day, my whole world came crashing down. My life was changed forever. I was angry. Not angry at you, the child, for coming into existence, but at myself for being so irresponsible. I knew I had several options to choose from, but it has always been my opinion that everything happens for a reason. For some reason unknown to me yet at that time, this child (you) was supposed to be here in this world and I didn֒t feel that it was my right to deny this child a life. It may have been more convenient to choose abortion, but I ruled that out very quickly. My next two choices were either to parent, or to choose adoption. When I thought about adoption, it didnt really appeal to me. I thought to myself. It just didnt seem possible. I had a few friends who were adopted, but they never talked about it. In grade school I remembered a girl up the street who got pregnant in high school and chose adoption for her baby. It was all very mysterious and then they moved away. That was the extent of my knowledge about adoption. No more, no less. Parenting my child seemed to be the best choice to me at that time. I thought for sure my parents would help me, and besides, I knew people MUCH younger than 21 who did it. But their reality of life was extremely difficult! I told my parents that I was pregnant, and needless to say they were not at all pleased. They told me they would support me emotionally, but due to financial hardships, since my father had just graduated from UC Davis and started his veterinarian small animal clinic, with debts from school and five children to support would not be able to help me. If I decided to parent this child, it was going to be solely up to me. I would also need to find arrangements for my child while I worked. My plans of finishing college would have to be put on hold for a day when my child had grown up and I had time, energy and money. When they put it to me hard and the cold reality of the time, I was crushed. I could not understand how they could be so cruel!! It took quite awhile, but after I stood back up and REALLY looked at my situation, I could understand where they were coming from, and my inability at that time to provide for you. It was going to be all roses and sunny days҅ my parents had 4 more children to take care of financially, specifically for their education. It was not at all fair for me to expect them to be secondary parents to my baby while I finished growing up and preparing for my future of going to school and getting my education in my chosen field. At least that is what society said to me a na֯ve, unknowing and trusting girl barely out of my teensօ So in mid-February, 1969, I went awayӔ to St. Annes, a home for unwed mothers in downtown Los Angeles. It was run by Catholic nuns; although not Catholic, they accepted me. At least I learned a little about the Catholic religion while there; and learned how to knit! My afghan turned into a king-size blanket! And I met so many other girls there from all walks of life. I donҒt believe anyone of them was keeping their child so sad when I think about it now. As much as I hated to admit it at first, adoption was probably the best decision for my child and myself, considering my circumstances, and the œtime period and how society felt about illegitimate children to unmarried women; letԒs not forget that it was a different world back then. did not yet exist. There were no programs in schools for pregnant teens. A pregnant girl was not even allowed to finish high school, let alone go on to college. Not only was there a stigma against unwed mothers, but there was also a stigma against their innocent childrenpeople took illegitimacy seriously in those days. Jobs? What kind of job could an uneducated, unwed mother get? Sad to hear that now in this time and age the narrow thinking of the ב60s, isnt it? Back in 1968 there were no resources for unwed single mothers and oneҒs child was labeled a bastardђ. I did not want you growing up with that stigma of being a bastard or illegitimate child. I wish I had had the courage to strike out on my own, unfortunately I had no financial means, but also lacked the vision, courage, conviction, confidence and willingness to make the sacrifice that such a decision required. I have regretted it these past 38 years. I have always regretted not having the courage to get myself properly sorted before you were born and for not having the courage to stand up to my parents and society in general. Its easier said than done in hindsight and I have to live with it but if I could go back and change things I would have parented, unfortunately there are no do-overs. I am tired of feeling like I am a bad birthmother. These feelings come from a society that did not realize ғwhat adoption did to all concerned. And the guilt of shame that they put upon us. Guilt is about the things I do Ԗ such as getting myself into a situation to get myself pregnant to begin with; shame is about feeling badly about who I was and am as a person somehow less-than and not worthy. Shame drove me to do almost anything in the world to avoid feeling badly. It has finally been lifted and I now have some empathy/sympathy for that lost young woman in the ֑60s, who looked for love in all the wrong places and terrified out of her mind, chose the easier, softer way, some would say. I will always be the bad abandoning mother. I had no clue what it was going to do to me to relinquish a child, my child, part of my very being... a part of my fabric physically, emotionally and spirituallyօ Sorry, getting a bit raw here I am emotionally loaded writing this and have the belief that the truth may be thick in the beginning but it has a chance to thin out as time passes! I have moved past that point to a place of healing. But I truly want to be honest with you, M, so I need to write this to you. I value honest feelings and mean no harm, I just want to be heard for who I was and am and what I feel. I am sorry I could not parent you, but I am content that you had the life I wanted you to have, and a life I could not give or provide you at that time. Years ago I thought I was doing the right thing for us both but it probably wasnŒt and I wonder if you will find it in your heart to forgive me? I did the best I could with the knowledge that I had at the time. And I have forgiven my parents for back then who surely believed in their hearts that encouraging me/us to relinquish was the best thingŅ they were unable maybe and unaware of the life-long ramifications that would result. It was how things were done, as awful as that may have been; I trusted in them and forgive and understand how society/social mores were back then; as forgiveness and understanding seems that they will lighten the load and allow for more joy; letting go of the anger brings a freedom of spirit Also, I chose adoption, I could be assured that my child would have both a mother and a father who were always there. If I kept you, you would have had no father figure. That was one thing that really made me sad. I tried to imagine what my life would have been like without my father! My father was always there when I was a little girl, and through my teens, twenties, etc through more than half my life time before he died in 2000. While I was staying at St. AnneŒs, he would take me to the Los Angeles Kings ice hockey games on weekends when they played in town, which I looked forward to each time and dearly loved! And have always kept this in my heart! I he still loved me even though I was going to give up his only grand child for adoption. I was Daddys little girl. Without my father, those happy and fun memories wouldnҒt be there. And maybe youd have brothers or sisters. If I ever had any more children, it would be years down the road. They would not at all be close in age. I chose adoption, my child would be guaranteed a good life. A life without poverty. I chose adoption, I could complete my college education and prepare myself for a successful future and become a productive member of society. I could concentrate on school and a part time job and not have to attempt to fit parenting into that equation. Adoption was of course the logical answer for my situation. They (State Dept of ChildrenҒs Services) told me adoption was the best choice. I did what everyone said was best for my child at the time, and times dictated adoption. I was unmarried and though 21, was not prepared to take on the responsibilities of being an unmarried mother. They told me my baby would have two loving parents, a good home and all of the advantages I was too young and inexperienced to provide at that time with no money for medical expenses that might come up, food, shelter, among other things. They also told me that this was an opportunity for me to go on with my life finish school, find a loving husband and have other children. They didnŒt tell me about the haunting dreams, the unanswered questions and terrible ache that remained with me for the rest of my life. They didnt tell me that you can never replace that lost child. The only problem was my aching heart. I wanted so badly to be a good mother to this unborn baby that was kicking around inside of me. I would love her beyond comprehension. I would do everything in my power to take care of her and to be a good mother to her. But the fact of the matter was, MY BEST WAS NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Not at that point in my life and not in that period of societyҒs denial of unmarried women raising their own child in a one parent home. Yes, unfortunately it like that and only 38 years ago, so hard to believe but true! Thankfully, the stigma has definitely changed by leaps and bounds and thats a good thing! Hopefully your views arenҒt just black and white on relinquishment. Theres an excellent book called ғThe Girls Who Went Away by Ann Fessler Ԗ who is an adoptee herself and it opens the eyes to the realities of what I/we went through and that we did have feelings when we relinquished. I hope you֒ll give it a read! Since I loved this unborn baby already to the incredible great extent that I did, I wanted only the BEST for you. The BEST most beautiful baby nursery. The BEST foods. The BEST medical care. The BEST schools. The BEST neighborhood to live in. And I wanted the BEST parents for you. Sadly, I knew I was not that nor could I have provided you with all of that. My love would always be there. But love doesnt put food on the table. Love doesnҒt put clothes on your back. Love doesnt pay tuition. Love doesnҒt keep the house from getting broken into because youre forced to live in a bad neighborhood. Love doesnҒt buy toys, strollers, cribs, bottles, medicine, etc. It is not my familys or friendsҒ responsibility to provide me with the cost of living. Nor is it the responsibility of the government and tax payers to take care of my situation because I chose to be irresponsible and bring a child into the world when I was not ready or capable of taking care of her on my own. Yes, I could have taken this baby home from the hospital with me and I could have made it work. I could have gotten by, but thats all IҒd be doing is JUST getting byӔ. I am not the type of person who settles for second best. Just getting byӔ isnt good enough for me, or a child of mine. My child deserves better. You deserve better, M! But I changed my mind every other day at St. AnneҒs. One day adoption seemed like the best decision I could ever possibly make, and then the next day I was adamantly against it, trying to convince myself that I was going to be the perfect mother (amidst the unicorns and fairy godmothers running around in the front yard of our palace). Hopefully someday you will come to understand all the reasons why I could not be a good mother to you at that time, and why I chose adoption and the family that you are now a part of and will be, M! It was in no way because I didn֒t WANT you. I wanted you [u] than anything in the world, but first and foremost, I wanted what was best for YOU, and someday I hope you will know and understand that. Yes, it WAS the hardest decision Ive made in this life time; and I came to the realization that I COULD get through this. I wasnҒt going to become severely depressed for the rest of my life, I wasnt going to fall off the deep end, or lose my sanity. Yes, it was hard Җ and I cried until it seemed like I couldnt shed another tear. During all those years of silence there was no one with whom I could share my guilt and pain. I donҒt even remember the next 2 to 3 years after your birth, it was like I was walking around in a fog. I experienced overwhelming heartache and missed you more than anything in the world, especially your first birthday and all of the birthdays to follow. Mothers Days were hard, and so were the many holidays when all of the family is together. It always feels like someone is missing. You learn to deal with it though, and light a candle in my heart and mind for that precious child that I not only gave life to, but a wonderful life to live in. Memories donҒt cease to exist just because we have no tangible items from a specific time in life. I loved you so much, but there were no options for me to keep you, so sadly I gave you up, hoping that you would be loved as I loved you. My love and you will always be a part of my heart. Quote from Pascal On the early evening hours of May 14, 1969, the most beautiful baby girl was born. After quite a few hours of labor (!!), I went in about 12 noon and you were ԓbreeched so they wanted to wait until you turned around on your own. Unfortunately, you did not. I guess you wanted to jump into this life feet first! And you finally (!) arrived at 5:25pm, all 8 pounds 4 ounces and 20 Խ inches! I finally got to set my eyes on you the little acrobat who used to do somersaults and high kicks around in my belly while I was trying to sleep so many countless nights. I֒ll never forget the sound of your very first cry. You were more perfect than I could have ever, ever imagined. And so tiny! When they placed you in my arms for the first time, I felt such a sea of emotions. But then IԒd suddenly become so sad as I remembered I wasnt going to get to take you home with me. I forced myself to concentrate on your glowing smiles, and the dreams of a great family for you were going to come true through adoption. I thought it might make it even harder to part with you if I spent too much time with you in the hospital. But the fact of the matter was, I had already grown attached to you throughout my pregnancy. I didnҒt want to risk the regret of not having spent time with you, so I had the nurse bring you to me the next day. I was there all by myself with you for a few hours each day before I had to leave St. Annes. I stroked your soft light brown hair and touched your warm little cheeks. Every so often you would flash a beautiful little dream smile at me. You were an unexpected, but very loved, and a very wanted miracle. I whispered to you that you were the most beautiful baby girl and told you how much I loved you. Those three days that I got to spend with you were the best days of my entire life. I wanted those days to last forever, but sadly I knew they would come to an end, and all too soon. IҒm forever changed. If I only understood what a huge price falling in love would carry. As a result of my mistake, I had been stripped of my dignity, my self-esteem, and my faith and trust in others. Most of all, Id been stripped of my motherhood when I left St. AnneҒs. I didnt like the idea of just leaving you there in the hospital, I wanted to be the one to hand you over to your adoptive parents and to say my final goodbye to you. I always knew saying ғgoodbye was going to be painful, I just didnԒt know it would be to this devastating degree. This pain is so intense it takes my breath away҅ but I must endure the pain of relinquishment. And thankfully, I did get to say goodbyeӔ when I signed the adoption papers on June 2. They let me see and hold you for a whole ten minutes and I whispered to you then Id always love you and that I [u] find you one day and you gave me the biggest smile I had ever seen. Perhaps, that is one reason your letter sounded so angry to me Җ that I didnt find you sooner - ?? Җ or maybe not! You were only 18 days old, so I dont know if you would remember that; but maybe you did subconsciously! But those last moments of your smile never left my memory even when everything else was buried. It was 38 years ago on May 14, 1969 the most precious gift of love was given to me by God. The only child I was ever to have. I decided unselfishly to give my beautiful daughter whom I named S C up for adoption and be M K. To a good life I was unable to provide at that time. I gave my heart away. No one, unless they have ever actually done this, could EVER understand the strength that was involved to walk away from that Van Nuys adoption office that day. ItҒs part of the mystery of adoption, M, its part of how we donҒt really understand what adoption is or how it effects all the people involved. I believe theres so much emotion in adoption that itҒs hard for anyone whose life has been touched by it to step back from their own experience, perspective, and opinion to recognize that others may see things very differently. As you and your mother do. Each one of us have quite different fears and perspective and each one should be recognized! I just held my breath and held my head up high and prayed to God for strength. I managed to get through it, but I know it would have been twice as hard if I didnt have so much support and love from my family and friends and especially God. They really carried me through it all. Not a day went by that I didnҒt think of you in some way, shape or form! I am extremely proud of my decision because it worked out so positively for everyone involved. You won! You were part of a loving and stable family. You went to good schools, had awesome vacations that I could never have taken you on (I hope!). A mom and dad and tons of extended family who all love you so much. Your adoptive parents won. Their dreams of a child became a reality with my gift of love to them. They got to be proud parents of a beautiful child, when they once thought it was an impossibility. I won. I got to continue my college education, found a great job, traveled a bit, and finally met the man of my dreams who is my soul-mate. Had I not made adoption plans, my life would have taken a completely different route, to different cities and I might never have met my soul mate, L and had the life I have now, and you yours. After all is said and done, I can proudly say that I have no regrets now that I know you have been safe and loved and I am very content with my decision. Unfortunately, I did not have any more children, but I consider myself a natural-, first-, birth-, biological-mother (which ever way you prefer to call it!), but I become a . But you are right too! No one has ever said ֑Happy Mothers DayҒ to me You wondered what made me decide to search. I canŒt remember exactly why I went looking for you was I looking for answers, was I looking for a piece of myself that had been missing for 36 years? I thought of you so often in the last few years, wondering and pondering what your life is like now, what I could have done to have kept you but knowing that it was impossible, but mostly it was my promise to you when you were only 18 days old! I needed to know I did the right thing and that the people who wanted a daughter so desperately were good and loving. I gave you up because I loved you so much it hurt. Today I listened to a song that was playing on the radio when I left the adoption agency that day Ŗ Gale Garnett sang and I cried and cried. ItԒs amazing, though 38 years have passed, the hurt was still so deep that I almost couldnt breath, as my life had changed forever on that day. I had a flashback of that afternoon minute by minute. It is amazing how one song from the ґ60s can bring back such memories! Ive learned from the adoption forums that birth mothers protect themselves from the pain that we go through by distancing ourselves from that one instance, that one moment when we loved our children more than life itself҅ sometimes its the hardest thing to do for us to have to go back to that moment Җ thinking that no one will ever know the pain, the hurt, the feeling that we were abandoning our baby (when we did it for the best of reasons). And the fear that our child will not understand what we did and the reasons that we did it. It was really important to me, because I needed to know that you were alive and safe and healthy and loved. Imagine not knowing for so many years it made it very difficult for me. I just want to share that with you, M, so that you can understand , even though the adoption was closed, I took the risk of opening it up ֖ not to be another mother to you, not to ruin or complicate your life; never meant to cause harm; I never meant to hurt anyone either. But to know that you were okay and perhaps, if you let me, to get to know you and allow yourself to get to know me. You hear all about kids being kidnapped, found dead, etc. I wanted to make sure you were not one of them! Or you could have been in Manhattan on September 11th. I am SO thrilled and relieved to find you alive and well!! But from where I stand, it seems I did both. This was my intentions! You are an adult and I probably should have waited until you searched for me but at the time I wasnŒt sure if you even knew you were adopted and that was why you werent searching for me. It has warmed my heart just to hear from your mother, and the little that she did tell me about your childhood! But I know from what she did tell me that you did have a good life! You wanted for nothing and had/have a loving family! You have experienced things in life that I would never had been able to give you the opportunity to do. Also, I need to let you know that I had NO idea that your heart condition was so serious! I was only told that you had a very tiny hole in your heart, and it would ғrepair itself and I need not worry (but of course I did). I couldnԒt believe what you had to go through in your early childhood years described by your mother in her letter to me! And am so glad to hear that it didnt hinder you whatsoever! Thank you, Jesus! And since in your letter you mentioned that you did not have medical information Җ here is what I know no genetic diseases in my family, except for a condition I have inherited from my maternal grandmother ֖ retinal degeneration of the eyes. It only happens to olderӔ people in their 80s and on, but I was diagnosed with this in 1976 at age 29 (I guess Im just an ґold soul); the best way to describe this retinal degeneration - itҒs like if you pull chewing gum and holes appear as you stretch it further this is what happened to my retinas. I did have cryo-surgery for both my eyes in 1977 and through the 80s had laser shots into my retinas to repair any new holes or tears appearing. As of the early 90s I have not needed anymore laser shots, but do have yearly check ups on my eyes. So I would suggest that you see an eye specialist doctor in retinal diseases to have this checked out. I wanted to mention that I did send a letter to the Adoption Agency in 1977 telling them about my retinal degeneration, and I֒m hoping that your parents received notice of this. I had a complete physical when I turned 50 (10 years ago) and the Doctor said I was a perfect specimen of a healthy 50 year old femaleӔ. Now I just have the beginnings of osteo-arthritis in my hips and neck so you will need to check out your bone density, etc. My mother has the same problems and received a new right hip at 80 years old. In late-2005 I started to lose weight. I was 150 plus a few pounds (my husband is a great cook!) and I was losing like 2 pounds a month. Finally in April ֒06 I went to my medical doctor, who suspecting leukemia, then sent me to an oncologist and then went to five different doctors in 8 months. And after lab and blood tests too numerous to count, and dozens of x-rays and MRIs, the Doctors couldnt figure out why I was losing all this weight, as all the tests came back normal. I now weigh about 110 lbs Җ and feel terrific! Maybe the weightђ was from carrying this weight on my shouldersӔ (your relinquishment) and finally after starting my search for you it was just lifted off of meօ I dont know, and neither do any of the doctors! So here is a list of known medical information: no diabetes or high or low blood pressure, no epilepsy, asthma, emphysema or other lung conditions, no tuberculosis, stomach, liver or gallbladder diseases, no kidney or bladder conditions, no blood disease, no heart trouble (but my father had a heart attack in Ғ84 at age 67 and had a quadruple bypass; and lived another 16 years, dying of inoperable lung cancer at age 83. He was a heavy smoker from very early on in his life.) No high or low cholesterol, no heartburn or ulcers, and no migraine headaches. Basically, Im pretty healthy with no problems! I hope this helps you with your medical history, and if you have any specific questions, IҒm here for you! Unfortunately on June 8th, 2007, I learned that my sister, M, has been diagnosed with lymph-node Stage 2 cancer (groin/abdominal) and started chemotherapy treatments; she finished her last month of treatments in October, 2007 and the cancer has shrunk quite a bit, so that is good news! And her doctor says this is hereditary. M I know that I֒m a stranger to you but I had a bond with you for 9 months and the 3 days after your birth. Fortunately for the both of us ֖ two of the most wonderful and loving people on this earth raised and loved you! It really wasnt about what I ғneeded or ԓwanted to do Ԗ it was what YOU neededӔ! Did I walk away? No, of course not. Did I want you to spend the rest of your life away from me? No, I didnt. I never want to replace your parents, I just want you to know me for the person that I am ғthe birth mother who loved you more than life itself. The birth mother who protected you while you grew in my stomach. The birth mother who thought about what was best for you. The birth mother who loves you today, tomorrow and always. Yes, I relinquished you, but it was a rejection. It was done out of love for you and hoping youԒd have a better life than what I could give. I tried to make the best and most loving decision I could for you, M. It was a gut wrenching decision and NOT easy! I was able to place you with a family that has loved you and did their best. I always carried you in my heart I thought about you throughout the years; I prayed that you were safe, healthy and loved! And am SO glad to find out that you were! It has brought me a lot of peace of mind to finally that you were actually alive and have the life I dreamed and hoped you would!! You have the ֓say in what happens now, as you mentioned in your letter, as I had the ԓsay when I relinquished you! I most certainly WANT you in my life Ԗ you mean the world to me! I would love to have a friendshipӔ with you. You dont need another mother. Karen IS your mother! I cannot ever replace your mother and your mother cannot replace me either҅ And I must say she is a very loving, protective, and caring mother, as I found out just talking with her on the phone. I am happy to hear she considers you her best friend. Whats that saying? You have a wonderful family Җ and dont need another one, but one can never have enough friends Җ yes? And that is ALL I want from you, M, a friendship. And again I am SO sorry that I threw your world into turmoil and made you angry and upset with me when I first contacted you. I never realized that I would do this to you. Please believe me! I thought youd be thrilled to finally know I was still out there Җ as I felt, when I found out were alive out there somewhere! What a sigh of relief that was after 35 years of not knowing. But now after talking with other adoptees I understand that your feelings and emotions normal for adoptees regarding reunions with their birth mothers. Maybe feelings of betraying your Mom and Dad if you spoke with me; the only parents you have known that have been good to you, there is also a loyalty issue. Their feeling threatened, circumvented, and excluded. Perhaps some self-protection from your feelings of rejection and maybe some sense of betrayal at having been given up. A sense of unreality about me you know nothing about. Thats the last thing I want anyone to feel! Actually, I really donҒt know and probably shouldnt guess, eh? Do I want too much Җ probably. Did I hurt you yes! Can I fix it ֖ no, probably not! And this letter is probably a help either since you did ask me not to contact you. I truly hope this letter does not hinder our communications, as I do not want to chase you away either!! I just wanted you to know all that IŒve written to you maybe it would help in your decisions ֖ and I needed to tell you all this, if you never do consider having contact. So now that I have forgiven myself, I wonder if you can ever forgive me? I hope so, as I did the best that I could 38 years ago. We did the best we could and if we did not do it right then, we were in a place where we did not see how to do it right! Society at that time said that, but is it true? Surely, we are older and wiser and donŒt buy that crap! I getӔ the guilt part, but Ive had to deal with it Җ finally! Time has a way of changing. Remember the only constant in life IS change. Why live a cookie-cutter life when there are so many more fascinating things outside the box? Much of life IS chances we take, the love we give when we dont think we ever had it in us! Life is chaos҅ hope and love. Relinquishment is still the most painful thing I have done, but I find comfort in knowing your parents opened their hearts and home and raised you as their own. I do hope one day you will understand that my head wasnŒt messed up I wasnŒt drugged out, or an alcoholic, etc. I did this because of my love for you. I also hope one day your parents will know that I do understand they your parents and hope I get the opportunity to hug them both. Yes, I have love in my heart for them too, they love my daughter and they protected her. I can tell that your parents care about me. You were raised with full knowledge of your adoption and they shared my heritage, Latvian with you; that makes me truly happy, M, that your mom told me about this in her letter and you in yours. And since you knew that, I thought you be open to contact! Again, M, I am truly sorry to throw your emotions into chaos and made you SO angry with me! I now understand that your feelings and emotions normal for adoptees regarding reunions with their birth mothers, as I said before. There are two books that an another adoptee mentioned that might also help. Both are by Nancy Verrier ֓The Primal Wound and the sequel ԓComing Home to Self. Maybe it can help you to understand your angry feelings, and other emotions you might be feeling But IԒve heard that the first book I mentioned is pretty raw and candid! You have to kind of pick and choose what applies to you. And when your mother said Ԗ I did not realize at the time that your mother meant herselfӔ also. That is why I called her and not you that night. I thought I had had a very nice conversation with your mom. And Im so glad I did. But I sure was not expecting your letter of January 28th, 2007. Boy Җ that really was a sock to my stomach and my heart! And that is why Ive waited 15 months now Җ hoping and praying that I would hear from you Truly I never meant harmŅ we are strangers to one another. There is a link to be sure, but there is so much history that was never written and it takes time to develop a connection. Just thought we could maybe connectӔ after so many years. We can take it as slow as you like! But I know that this will take time and patience to establish a relationship/friendship of the kind we are both comfortable with, if you are up to it! Wouldnt you like to meet someone that actually looks like you? Have you ever wondered or wanted to know where you got your eyes and chin from? Or your hair color҅ Or your smile Or your love of music or art? I believe I would! M, I want to give you the time that you need to process all that I have thrown at you in the last year! I will understand if you donŒt feel as strongly as I do about meeting at least once! Well, once more in our life time! So if you are willing to join me in this journey, and when you are ready, I will welcome you to the Six Flags over Adoption! Home of the emotional super-duper-looper roller coaster! A Journey of a Lifetime! I hear its a great ride! So many emotions going through all involved in this ғrollercoaster ride of your life! And there are NO seat belts!! As a reunited adoptee friend of mine said Ԗ With honest communication it can be fulfilling and also there is the fact that there is a mortality issue. Time isnԒt a guarantee now we have the rest of our livesŅ but time does not wait for us; the plan would be to keep our regrets to a minimum. as with our expectations! I canŒt change the past but I can look forward to the future! There are no rules to reunion, no time tables, no statue of limitation! We can take this as slow as you like, as IŒve said. I want you to know that you are important to me. It important to me that we are honest with each. I really need for you to know the story, my story, and story, that I had to only write this once, just to tell . Maybe information that you never knew; but as you said in your letter Ԗ but I really dont think you have been told the actual truth; you just know ғmy story from your parents and they in turn heard or read that in papers that a stranger wrote down at the Agency. I donԒt want you to be afraid to know me. If you have even the smallest part of me in you you will realize I pose no threat to you or your family. We just might be able to be friends. I have no anger, I have no guilt, I do have joy and regretօ joy that you had such a perfect childhood, and regret that I hadnt been part of it҅ hindsight is wonderful but not worth a whole bunch as we cannot do a thing with it. Im glad to read in your letter that you are comfortable with who you are, M Җ it makes me feel good. Im glad to get some of my feelings out there for you, and hope you come to a place of peace. I would love to have our relationship to take its own course and not force it. When I want something Җ I tend to charge full speed ahead and go for it! Patience has never been one of my finer qualities when I really want something badly. I guess I decided too quickly to want to develop as good as a relationship with you as soon as possible. I must try and be patient and rein in my need to proceed at warp speed! I guess since so much time has passed I just wanted to make up for that lost time. I know that making up for lost time is an impossibility. That time is gone and cannot be replaced, nor really make up for it. In retrospect, I overwhelmed you! I shouldn֒t have charged ahead quite so fast. I just want you to know that, when you are ready, again, remember Im here for you, now and forever! So M, hope you give this some more deep thoughts, because every day, I hope this will be the day I hear from you. I will be respectful of your wishes, if you choose to not want a relationship. I do not intent to force myself into your life. However, I want to give you the opportunity to know me, if you choose to. And if you choose not to, please thank your parents for me Җ for being the good parents that I prayed to God you would have. A good family! A good life of being loved and cherished. This was not for a loanӔ, not just for your growing up yearsӔ, but forever! I have/had no preconceptions and I will go on with my life as I have, and just be content in knowing that you are happy with who you are and where you are in your life! I do realize not every adoptee wants to meet their natural mothers. So if you choose to have nothing to do with me, it wont make me love you less. Take care҅ Smiles and good thoughts, M! Sveiks! L P.S. Since this is the first time I can actually say this to you: I hope you have a very Happy 39th Birthday this coming May! And I wish you many more great birthdays, M! I just celebrated my 60th birthday on August 31st in Riga, Latvia, as my mother asked that I celebrate it with her; so my husband and I flew over there for the celebration, and on the trip back visited my sister M and her husband R in Sweden. I would also like to congratulate you on your engagement and maybe already marriage! Hoping you found your true soul mate in this life and hope you have a healthy and prosperous one together! And I hope he makes you smile!

My family does not realize how important it is for me to know what God has done with the children and how He has taken care of me, as well. I am so glad for everything that is going on in my life right now, I can hardly believe all the changes within that have taken place in me. God is good, and He is really doing a work in me, IT is a sight to behold. God is good. I am grateful to have this place to write and to be where God wants me to be. The weight has not come off entirely, and it is no longer troubling me. It will come off, when my eating gets better, or when I find something that will cleanse me entirely. I do not know.

Looking for childrens grandparents for medical reasons. Don't need organs or anything like that. Mark Jeffery was told at birth was named Jeffery Mark born 9/11/1959.in Hennepin Co. MN. Mark is currently in the hospital and would like to find birth motheror and father please if you know anything to let me know. thank you

I have an appointment with our GAL, who we have chosen to be our attorney for our adoption. He was the reason things progressed when it came down to it CPS's legal team is ummmm pathetic, so anyway I am excited to get everything done and finalized. Things have been challenging since baby girl left. I have had a rough time with missing her. It through me into a depression. So I got my heart fixed and all excited to be "normal" then all of the sudden in follow up appointments my blood preasure that has always been fine was through the roof and I began to have major health issues that Dr's couldn't figure out, all asked me "any chance you could be pregnant?" To which I laughed and said "no". I had what I thought was the worst period of my life, I nearly passed out from the blood loss and was anemic for several weeks, yes, thats right it was a miscarriage and I didn't even know I was pregnant, i felt like an idiot for not knowing and then wondering if I was to blame, but after finding out that i was pregnant I was told absolutely no giving birth for me, honestly for whatever reason I already knew this a long time ago and accepted it. I mean I did have moments of sadness. But I have 3 beautiful children, and two children at the time I found out originally and accepted no more giving birth, adoption is not a 2nd choice just another way for us, not a biggie. I was sick through both pregnancies and it was hard and I did not "miss" the pregnancy part of finding my Eli, however, loosing Maya... Its been a killer. I can't do it again and so I thought okay this is a sign, I really feel we have one more baby coming to our family, this means I will just give birth. Then my inlaws were idiots, so not worth repeating. It was just a crappy month. I don't know if I am capable of going down that adoption road again. Emotionally draining. So for our family are taking a step back and just loving our kiddoes. I'm taking care of my needs and healing from these wounds. I wish I had more time. but Kids are needing their mom. :

Note: This is not directed to anyone here. I just have to write to get this off my chest. Thanks! Carolyn How can you tell me how to grieve and what is correct etiquette and incorrect etiquette on grief and death? Hmmm, who have you lost in your life? Right, NO ONE!!!! Screw you!!! You still have both of your parents, you have never lost a spouse. Yes, maybe an aunt or uncle, friend or grandparent, but you still have your parents, your children still have their father. No, you have no concept of what I have lost and you never will. You don't know what it is like to lose your father, only to come back from the funeral and not even a week later have your husband go in the hospital and never come home again. And while your husband may die one day befoer you (who knows, you may go first), your children are raised, you will never know the fear of raising them alone and trying to figure out how to fix their world, because even though I just lost my father, I was 33, they were just children. You will never know what it is like to have both of your parents gone by the time you are 42. I know that there are those who lost their parents much earlier than me. I don't pretend to know what they are going through. At least my father walked me down the aisle, my mother got to see all her grandbabies. I cannot comprehend their loss, so why do you think you can understand mine and then to tell me I am right or wrong or am doing this incorrectly? Then I love that you have no idea about adoption on top of it all. Oh, you've read this and read that and you know all the answers. I love Diane and she is my first mom, who I love with all my heart, but you don't just go *poof* and magically all the years of history are there and she is your mother. She holds her very special place in my heart and in my life, but mom is my mom, as Diane is her children's mom. While we have a bond, I think we understand that there are differences in the relationship and I think we understand this. (which is really all that matters-what WE understand) I love her, she is one of my moms, they each played special and important roles in my life, but people like you, who are not involved in adoption, say stupid things like, "Well, at least you still have your REAL mom." My mom was my real mom. You just don't get it on any level, do you? So until you have lost all that I have lost, (this doesn't include my miscarriage and my best friend who was murdered by her boyfriend while I was on the phone with her in high school.) don't pretend to have any idea of what I am going through and the audacity to let me know that I should be feeling this way or that. Talk to me when both of your parents and your husband are dead, okay!!!! *Again, this is not to anyone who comes here. The person I am referring to does not even know this site exists, so if you take offense or think I am speaking to you, I am not. I just needed a safe place to vent where I know they will never find it.* Carolyn

I have some ideas for E's adoption party. DH wants to rent one of those bouncy houses and seeing as how its not likely to still be warm enough for an outdoor party we will most likely do it at our church or rent out a hall big enough. I plan on a big cake w/ E's picture and full name (his new last name!). Some simple but yummy finger foods. Drink?? Since we don't drink alcohol thinking an ice tub full of juice/soda/water or some kind of punch, haven't decided yet. I also think we should rent a popcorn machine and a cotton candy machine??? Not sure\...because that would seem very carnival like...but I do want it to be fun and for the kids with it being enjoyable for adults, okay maybe we will nix that sticky messy idea. I plan on inviting everyone from Social services that has touched our lives. I don't think they get a lot of positives and I think that despite our differences with some workers, (umm Maya's worker and supervisor) it would be a nice gesture. I don't know if people expect to give presents at an adoption party but I don't care. I plan on putting on invitation "In lieu of a gift please make donation in honor of "E" to "charity" of our choice. We were nominated for "family of the year" by somebody who I guess doesn't know us well, sponsored by the charity I would like to donate to. They support nurturing and helping families in our community to prevent foster care. They honored all families nominated with a dinner, it was wonderful and as I had visits with Maya at this community center before her mom went threatening and violent at one visit and they had to be moved to the county building, I have really good feelings towards them. I really liked their SW's and their mission. I don't really want gifts nor does E need any gifts. I plan on getting a name plaque designed by a local artist with a quote on it for his room-any ideas for a good quote??? I will display that. I also plan on scheduling a professional family photo shoot and displaying our family portrait. The one thing that I am on the fence about is if we should somehow honor the SW who placed E with us, she's the only reason we ever did end up adopting through foster care in the first place, and the person who basically gave E to us. She commited suicide last year after a co-worker commited suicide. She was the best worker we had in our 3 years and several children/workers later. She has 2 daughters (grown) who I would like to invite. I'm just wondering if we should switch donation in her name and honor her??? Or is that too much? I don't know. Dh will most likely have his 2 cents if he ever comes home from the mountains. I would like to make a life book for E and display that, not the private info. more along the lines of a scrapbook. The only thing that bugs me is I Keep asking his first foster family for baby pictures, she keeps putting me off. I don't have a single baby picture of him!!! I suppose I can start it at 11 months. But for the future, for E I need some of his baby pictures. I'm going to hunt down some of his relatives if I have to (after adoption), I know they have pictures of him as a baby to 3 months old. Thats what I have so far. Open to comments.

How quickly I forgot what it is like when someone close to you dies. The people you always thought would be there for you are unable to be found, while complete strangers offer up compassion and caring. I am at a loss and feel completely alone. I don't know why it is hard to be here for me, I don't talk about her non-stop. It is actually something I talk very little of. Maybe a "I really miss her", and a few times I get choked up a little, but really, just knowing someone is with you is really all that is needed. I think that many times people think they have to say or do the right thing. They are so scared of the subject, they stay away all together instead. Sometimes it is just the quiet coming along side, knowing they are just "there" (physically or emotionally) is all that is needed. We don't need to talk about it, we just need to know you are there. It is amazing how many people you lose, other than the one you physically lost, when someone dies. Sometimes that is even a harder loss. The one who died can't help it. Carolyn

WOW!! What else can I say! I love those guys!!! I guess I should say girls! I love all my kids, but my older ones who are "real" people in their own right now, are pretty flipping amazing. Carolyn

We have a date set for Monday to sign paperwork at our attorney's office. He will then petition the courts for an adoption date. I am told there should be no reason we cannot finalize November 15th!!! YES, doin the happy dance...been doing it all day long! I will really be dancing when I get an official letter in the mail w/ our court date. I also got a call from our SW at the adoption agency we will be using. She is very excited about our movement towards finalization. She wants our homestudy prior to our finalization because she wants to start working on matching us right away.....oh I like this lady! We also talked about how we have our hearts set on a baby girl. Asked her if that was wrong/strange to choose a gender and she said it was very common specifically with this agency as they only place already born TPR'd infants which means for (NY) the babies are at least 6 weeks old at time of placement. CC also does this, does not place infants at birth because of the 4 week waiting period. Then you add in the 2 weeks to process paperwork, find a family...all of that and baby will be at least 6 weeks old by the time we get to meet her for the first time. I don't feel her as much as I have which makes me think she was born or will be born soon. I could be being silly :) wouldn't be the first time. I've been nesting like crazy which is somewhat instinctive for me, I know I"m not pregnant....but I did this with E and before I would get calls for foster baby's. I'm somewhat intuitive about things, my mom is that way, I have been since HS about certain things. Try to go by my intuition and feelings are pointing that baby girl has been or will be born very very soon. I feel in my heart we won't wait long for our baby girl after November 15th. I just hope we are ready for her! BTW E was amazing at OT today. I feel he had an off week due to my mom being here, parties, and not enough sleep. He's been an angel 2 year old entire week :). C had horse lessons and the trainer told E that if he "listened to mommy" that he could go for a little ride at the end. He was very well behaved. He played with the barn dog, got very dirty, jumped on the rubber stuff in the barn, found horse trunks and asked me what color they were, and finally kicked up some dust on the indoor arena, not good for his asthma so we went outside and C came outside to ride around the outdoor arena. It was such a beautiful day and this stable is picturesque, wonderful wonderful day. We sat in the grass and watched C ride. Oh C is beautiful on a horse. She has long legs and sits so tall and graceful. She really got the rhythm of how to post for the first time today. And E got to ride. He was beside himself with pride and joy, he does this thing when he is overjoyed about something, he tries very very hard NOT to smile, it ends up with this proud/smirk look on his face, its priceless. He had C's helmet on and rode around the entire (HUGE) indoor arena. He got off, would not take the giant helmet off. He looked like a bug head. He then wore it all the way to his friends house for playdate. I think I have a 2nd horse rider. He loved every second. We said "hi" to all the horses and are getting to know some of their personalities. It will be sad when winter hits :(. They do have a "heated" barn but that doesn't mean its cozy in the middle of upstate NY winter. I've decided E is going to have a good winter and that his asthma will be in control! So far so good. We have an appointment with his pulmanologist on Monday and I think he is going to keep him on the low dose of meds he is on now. Last year this very same time he was wheezing, junky, awful breathing that was totally out of control. This year after one year of very good treatment has totally turned around. He does need medication but its very much under control and (music) NOOO NEB treatments! Its all w/ his puffer and allergy pill. So no more steroid psycosis. I have my adoption physical scheduled for Friday morning. One last TB test, and they get to tell me I'm fat and need to loose weight :( but otherwise healthy, joy of joys. J (dh) has his scheduled the end of October, earliest he could get in w/ his crazy schedule. That is it, we are DONE! November 15th we will be "on the books" and who knows we may just have an early Christmas present??? No matter when she comes, it will work out just as it should :). L

And it ain't getting any easier. I love showing her pictures to my friends, they hate it. It makes everyone cry to mention her, so I don't. And I still sleep with her blanket (can't sleep without) Miss her voice the most today. Wish I could of give her a bath just once! Mad at myself for not being firmer on my time with her before the adoption. I wanted more time with her, they regulated the amount each day. Afterward I learn she was still my baby then, I had the right. Oh well, I think I'm in the grief/angry stage of the process. I keep self evaluating myself in hopes I make progress I can see. I can celebrate her 7 month birthday in 2 days, by myself again. I won't bake a cake this time (that was just because the 6 month is special) but I do get so excited and proud of her that day(especially that day, I mean) The night of her b-day is the pits though. I just feel like Im missing out on so much! I am, but it's not about me anymore. It never could be about me again. I tried that one day and it' didn't feel right. I guess that's what being a mom is about. Dang, I love that girl!

Hello, Everyone. Before my father married my mother, apparently he fathered a son who was born in Baltimore, Maryland in October or November 1958. I would like to try to locate this person. He has six half-brothers and sisters who would like to meet with him. Thanks.

I've recently more been connected with my maternal uncle. I have 2 older half-sisters, 4 uncles, 2 aunts and a bunch of cousins. Looking forward to learning more.

I love coming to this place in the last 9 or so years it has been my retreat ....... what I have learned has overwhelmbed me at times. The friends I have made makes me feel like I belong someplace ..... I thank you Chickie Donna Mar........ MN you helped me grow them BALLS /.........Dkm you showed me life can be normal having all your kids live in the same house. I know I can be so harsh about adoption sometimes and I dont mean to be. But I think that all parts of the triad need to remember that they are a part of something else weather by choice or by chance...

I know that it was a closed adoption but do you? I worry that your adopting parents were not honest; or maybe, you know that you are adopted and don't care to know... I don't know, but I do know that one day I will finally see you. Between me and Glen (your little brother) you have 4 nieces and 2 nephews. My big sister, I love the way that sounds. Not only does our mother have an emptiness but I do as well. I have always imagined you to be as beautiful as our mother and I know that if I ever do see you, I will be able to pick you out from a crowd. I imagine that you have dark deep brown eyes and dark hair with olive complextion and I imagine you to look just like our mother. I just want you to know that our mom was very young and I believe that she made the best decision for you and for herself, I know that she wanted you to have a good life. A life that she could not offer you at the age of 15. Maybe i am speaking on be-half of our mother...... but, we just want to know if your life turned out to be okay.... and want to know if you are okay.... and want you to know that we love you and searching for you everday and never will stop.... I hope you understand and I hope that you Know that I Love You.... Love Always-Your Sister, Heidi Harris Searching:april 15 1975..Female.. Lakeland,Florida.. Bm-Stebbins